I have been taking a class at church going through a book called, “The Peace Maker” by Ken Sande. I have to confess that at first I was drawn to this class because at times my marriage has needed some peacemaking. But when two sinners get married, what do you expect?

The first few chapters were good, but then I hit Chapter 5 – Conflict Starts in the Heart. Wow…I will have to say that is when God really opened my eyes. I started reading this chapter and all of a sudden everything was applying to me…not to my husband. And let me tell you something, it was heartbreaking.

God has really used this book, and another study I am doing in my quiet time about Prayer, to break me. He has shown me that I have made an idol out of the need for security. I have seen clearly for the first time how I will do anything, including putting a huge burden on my husband, to get the security I crave and think that I deserve.

Let me back up a bit. Most of you know that I was adopted as a baby. I had fantastic, wonderful parents who always told me how much I was loved and wanted, but there was always this deep seated insecurity inside of me. I always felt like I was different and somehow not good enough because my birth mother obviously did not want me and just gave me up. Of course, as I got older and (a little) wiser, I realized that this was not true at all. She did love me, enough to give me up to someone who could better care for me. But knowing that intellectually and living it emotionally are always two very different things.

So, little by little, I placed a huge burden on my husband of making me feel secure. And when he failed, and he did, because he is a human sinner, as am I, I blamed him for my insecurity. This caused me to build a wall in my heart to avoid the pain. Sin, sin, sin…

I have never seen this so clearly as I did today. Let me share a little of what I journalled for my homework in class:

What do I seek and desire? Love of my spouse and security in our relationship. This is my idol. When I do not feel the security I desire in our relationship, I punish him by becoming distant (justification = protect myself) or angry (threaten or blame shift), instead of finding the security I crave from the one True God.

Another entry says:
As you look back on how you have handled this conflict do you see a need to repent and for confession? Yes! I was placing my needs and expectations on Bud. I believe that most of this (a recent argument) stems back to placing my desire for security on his shoulders as a burden that he can not possibly fulfill or carry. Again, repentance is necessary on my part as I have placed this on him rather than on God who is the only one who can and will give me the security and love I desire. I have continually taken the desire for love of God He has placed in me and put it as a burden on my husband. This has brought about a lot of conflict in our marriage which I have then blamed on him. I now realize there is no way my husband could ever meet these needs because he was never meant to…only God was.

As you can see, this has been rather eye-opening for me. And wildly freeing to my heart.

I can see God’s goodness and mercy so clearly and how I was the one backing away not God.

Why am I sharing this in a public forum such as my blog? I think transparency is a good thing. I think it is a public confession. I also think when God shows you something this good and freeing, you need to share it so others can learn from it as well. But most of all, I wanted to share how GREAT our God is! How loving and merciful and tender. I want to praise Him for being so longsuffering with me when I do not deserve it, worm that I am.

Thank you for letting me be transparent and free with you, as well.

* This morning I woke up to the news that Bud will not be coming home in the next few days as we thought but may be in Korea until sometime in November.  This was a huge disappointment for both of us.  And (as those who have read previous blog posts know) I’m not very good at waiting.  While Bud is still pretty irate about the whole lack of communication related to their trip home, I’m more trying to see this as an opportunity.  I am hoping this will give me a little more time to be firmly established in Weight Watchers and exercise before Mr. Betty Crocker comes home and gets to baking.  There are also several projects around the house I would like to tackle to jazz the place up before Bud comes home again.

* I walked/ran my first 5K ever last Saturday!!!  I was SO excited because I really wasn’t sure this was something I would be able to do.  I was extremely nervous before the race began.  I did pretty good until right after mile 1 and then I had a few moments of the “I can’t possibly do this”‘s before I decided that I just needed to ask God to help me endure and persevere.  I figured that is a big theme in the Bible (although it’s mostly related to our faith), so I figured learning to persevere may be something He would be willing to help me with.  I’ll have to say that crossing the finish line was amazing.  I was so thrilled to have made it, I even forgot to look at the time.  Thank goodness someone did and told me I was right around the 48 minute timeframe.  I know I still have a long ways to go, but I’m so jazzed about this now.

* This fall feeling weather tonight is really getting me in the mood to decorate with some nice fall colors.  I’ve also decided that now that I’ve broken in my new sewing machine helping Bella make her Star Trek uniform shirt, I’m ready to really get going on some pillow slip covers and curtains for my living room.  I’m so excited to have the machine because I’ve always wanted to make things for my house and was severely lacking without a sewing machine.  I also just discovered a cool pattern to make reusable pads for your Swiffer Wet Jet, and everyone knows I’m all about saving some money on stuff like this.  As soon as I can find some old cloth diapers, or buy some new cloth diapers, I’m going to be whipping up some of those.  I’m sure I will be putting some project pictures up on my blog as soon as I get some done.

* I am really loving my new job!  It is a great job for me because it deals with patients (which I love), is new and different and exciting every day, and requires a lot of organization which is “my thing”.  I have met so many really great people and learned so much in just six short months.  It’s wonderful to look back and see all the jobs I have had before now and the skills I learned in them being used for this job.  I am so thankful that God has put me here at this time in my life.

* The new mattress that I bought a month or so ago…I LOVE IT!  It is possibly the most comfortable mattress I’ve slept on in who knows how long.  And the best part – I can now leave my bedroom door open during the day because my bed is high enough that my little short-legged furry friends can’t jump on my bed.  I used to have to always keep my bedroom door closed as they would get up and were getting my bedspread dirty all the time.  This resulted in a somewhat stuffy/non-aired-out room.  I love being able to keep the door open.  I also love having to invite help up a dog if I want them up there.  If I don’t want them up there, they stay down. 

* Oh, and by the way…War Eagle!!!

It really makes no sense. Anyone who has seen my short, stubby legs can tell that I wasn’t ever really built for speed. I’ve always been really jealous of people with long, lean legs to run on.
Anyway…I have to make due with what I was given, and I was given short legs.

Lately, I’ve gotten into the treadmill. I guess it was just hanging in there long enough to get past the “oh my gosh, I’m gonna die, when is this going to be over” feeling to start enjoying it some. Now don’t get me wrong, every minute I’m walking and sweating I’m not in bliss or anything, but I don’t HATE it now. I don’t feel like I’m going to die everytime I do it.

So one day I decided, why not? I’m going to try to run for one minute and see what happens. And guess what? I didn’t fall over dead. My legs didn’t fall off. I actually didn’t hate it kind of liked it.

After that I decided I would do an informal type of ramp up to running. I know myself, so I decided I didn’t want a formal, set-in-stone kind of running plan. I would just keep on going to the gym every week and run. So this week it is running at least 4 times for a minute each time during my 45 brisk walk on the treadmill. That’s it.

Next week, I will ramp up to at least five times for a minute or more. Last night, I did my four times but actually ran closer to a minute and 15 seconds each time.

That’s progress, right? I’m striving for baby steps with this as well as with my eating habits on Weight Watchers. Each baby step moves me a little closer to the goal.

I know a lot of people would need something a little more regimented. But I know myself and if I did that I would get burned out really fast and not want to do it.

Oh, and I’m walking/jogging a 5K next month! It will be my first ever. Which is exciting, especially for someone who hasn’t done anything like this since I was in about sixth grade.  I’m still looking for anyone who would like to join me.  Why don’t you give me a call?

But when I think of what words of Scripture are most precious to me, it would have to be this:  But God.  These have long been my absolute favorite words in the Bible.  And I see I’m not alone.  Just this last Sunday Shawn (our preacher) mentioned those two words in his sermon as well.  Google these two words and multiple postings, including many blogs, pop up.

For being two small little words, only 3 letters a piece, they are very powerful words.  What they say again and again in the Bible is:  man does _________ (which is usually something selfish, hurtful, stupid, etc.); BUT GOD __________ (fixes it, works it all for our good and His glory, hits us upside the head with a 2X4 so we understand, etc.).  How can anyone NOT love that?

For example…I was running away from God and his enemy.  I was literally shaking my fist at him…but God loved me, pursued me, called me to Himself.

For example, there was this one woman in our church growing up.  She had really bad arthritis, the kind where her fingers looked mangled.  She was absolutely the hardest person to be around.  She was extremely negative all the time.  However, my mother agreed to drive her to and from her doctor’s appointments.  My mother actually seemed to enjoy her time with “Miss Emma”. 

I want to be that way.  I want to be content, no matter my circumstances.  I want to take joy in everything I do…without grumbling.  The problem is, that is not my personality naturally and I don’t know HOW to be that way.

1 Peter 3:3-5, speaking to women, says:

3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

That really, really is convicting to me.   And really, really impossible for me to attain.  You see, I’ve never been that kind of woman.  I’ve never been called gentle or had someone refer to my quiet spirit.  But I really want to be that woman.  So, I’ve asked God to help me in this area. 

Recently, I’ve had some success in this area.  I realize it is all God’s work, and God’s alone.  But He has helped me keep quiet lately when I was upset and stressed.  He has helped me tame my tongue.  However, I realize that this is definitely a work in progress.  And it will take a long, long time.  But, Lord willing, maybe one time I will be that kind of woman.  And one day someone will tell me I remind them of  my mother, or even better, that I remind them of Christ.

^{Proverbs 31:30}

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

It really would be quite funny if it didn’t test my patience so much.  I have a feeling that it’s that sanctification thing again…

Finally the day arrived!  What was really strange to me is that by the night before I was TOTALLY nervous.  Strange.  This is my husband of 25 years I was waiting on.  But there it is…I was feeling as nervous as I did on our first date.

After about an hour wait, Bud finally came up the escalator!!!  Bella, Joey, and I were so excited to see Bud.  Poor Bud…he looked like he felt horrible.  We came to find out that he hadn’t slept in about 30 hours and he got some sort of food poisoning or something on the plane and had puked for six hours of the flight.  Needless to say, Bud wasn’t feeling his best.  Add to that some lost luggage in case that wasn’t enough.

However, a nice three hour nap in the car on the way home helped him tremendously.

Once Bud was home he was quickly mobbed by the dogs.  They were SO excited to see him.  So were his parents and assorted family and friends.

I had a fabulous week with Bud.  Of course, God couldn’t resist using this situation to sanctify me a little bit more.  I learned (after some stress) to just enjoy.  To quit planning, quit stressing when things didn’t go the way I envisioned, and just enjoy every moment we had together.  After I finally got that, it ended up being everything I hoped for.  However, it was much, much too short.  And the next thing we knew it was time for him to go again.  Both Bud and I were sad it was over so fast, but it was much easier this time as he should only be there for approximately 2 months.

I feel like we were given such a gift during this time together. It was so much fun to feel that nervousness and excitement from the beginning of our relationship.  Most people don’t get to feel that after 25 years of marriage and 31 years of being together.  It was wonderful to feel that again.

I thank God for the gift of my husband and I can’t wait until he’s back again!

Usually I have to talk myself into doing some of these things every time I need to do them.  Mostly because I feel like I’m in a rut.  I don’t think it’s because I don’t like doing these things – some I do, some I don’t.  I pretty much think it’s because I’m missing my other half.   The pop in life is gone down to a fizzle.  The colors have all turned a little anemic.

I have gotten all kinds of reactions about missing my husband.  Most people ask me how I’m doing and how much I miss Bud.  But you would be surprised by the number of people who think I should be enjoying every minute that he is gone.  They think this should be one big party.  I’m not complaining about them, mind you.  I’m mostly confused as to why people would think that. 

I think a lot of it is people don’t have a concept of how long nine months really is in the scheme of everyday life.  The following things will happen or have happened already since Bud has been gone:

• * His Dad has had chemotherapy and radiation.
• * Brown Dog died.
• * I had my 46th birthday.
• * Joey had his 21st birthday.
• * Valentine’s Day.
• * Mother’s Day.
• * His dad’s birthday.
• * Spring.
• * He will miss our 25th Wedding Anniversary.
• * We will miss his 47th birthday.
• * We will miss being with him on Father’s Day.
• * He will miss his Dad’s surgery.
• * He will miss Bella’s 24th birthday.
• * He will miss his mother’s birthday.
• * He will miss Independence day.
• * He will miss ALL of Summer.
• * He will miss both Memorial day and Labor day.
• * He will miss approximately 72 Sunday church services at Morningview.

Those are just the big things.  And there is a big hole every time he misses something. 

Don’t get me wrong – I am SO grateful that God has given Bud this opportunity.  I am also sure that God is using this time to grow our family and each one of us.  I believe God is using Bud in a big way to witness to people in Korea and to provide leadership in the church he is attending there.  And for all that I am glad.  But I can’t wait until he is here with us again.  I miss him.

I have apparently fallen into the land of broken items.  It all started after Bud left.  I have said that I think the house and everything in it felt a change in the force when Bud left.  Seriously, we have had more things break and need repair than I can ever remember having at one time.   Just a short list of the things that jump out:

• Leak in the pipe going into the hot water heater
• Stove quit working – this was actually on its last legs before Bud left, but decided to give up the ghost.
• Handle on the microwave broke off
• Iron broke
• Shutter on the front of the house fell off
• Battery died in the Elantra
• Valance fell down and, in so doing…
• Broken window

I’m sure that we have had months of the same type of thing before, but I can’t remember when.  I’m sure usually it’s not such a big deal because Bud is pretty handy around the house and usually takes care of it all for us.  I miss his handy little self, right now!

And the thing is there are plenty of nice guys at church that can and will help.  Joey is also pretty handy and helps where he can.  And I’m not completely helpless either…a lot of this I took care of on my own.

I think what is so frustrating to me is that every time something like this happens, it shows me how much I miss my hubby being here.

Hopefully, our family is moving out of the land of broken items soon.

Just writing and then reading what I wrote above, I feel kind of bad even posting it.  In light of the fact that hundreds, probably even thousands of people right now in our state are doing without in light of the tornadoes earlier in the week, it seems really petty to mention my few broken items.

I know that I am really blessed to have all I have.  Even in my frustration when things break, I know that there are so many out there that are less fortunate than I.  My heart has been heavy for the last couple of days from thinking about all that has been lost by so many.  And not only material objects, but lives as well.

I know that this recent tragedy makes me turn once again to God and thank him for his provision every day.  And maybe even thank him for the land of broken items…which in itself is a blessing that makes me realize how much my handyman husband means to me.

It seems to me that 2011 is going to be the year of waiting. I guess God is determined to finally teach me some patience.

A few things I am waiting for right now…

~ The end of my old job and the beginning of my new job – as I made the decision to leave my job at Wells Distribution, I decided to give a one month notice. That way Wells would have time to find someone to replace me and I would have time to train them.

It really was a great idea but the wait has been hard. I am a “make a decision and then get on with it” type of person. So I have had to do a lot of praying to God for help in the waiting.

~ My father-in-law’s cancer – as anyone who has helped a loved one through a major illness, it usually is a “hurry up and wait” process. My father-in-law has finished with his radiation and chemotherapy for the time being, but we are waiting to see if the tumor has shrunk enough for surgery. Right now it looks good, but the treatments work for several weeks after they are done, so again with the waiting.

~ Bud coming home – this is actually been the hardest for me of all. It seems like Bud has been gone for so long already but in reality, it has only been a little over 2 months. That means I still have 5 more months before he comes for his one-week visit, and 7 months before he is home. The hardest part about this waiting situation is missing the day-to-day time together. We talk on the phone every day and we video Skype as much as we can, but it’s the little things I miss. I can’t just text Bud something when it happens. I can’t go up and hug him. I can’t get tickled about something we see and burst into laughter. Those things are the things I miss the most.

There are many stories in the Bible where God’s people had to wait. Abraham and Sarah had to wait until their old ages for their longed-for child (Genesis 18:10), Moses and the Israelites waited to enter the promised land (see Exodus), Noah waited for the waters to recede (Genesis 8:10), Simeon waited to see the Redeemer (Luke 2:27-32), as did Anna (Luke 2:36-39), We await the return of our Christ Jesus in all His glory (Revelation 19:11-16).

So, I wait. And I take hope in knowing that God is faithful to those who have faith and wait.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
– Psalm 27:14